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Why Am I So Insecure In My Relationship?
- Yaw Amoateng
- 1 day ago
- 6 min read
What is in this article? Signs of insecurity in a relationship
There’s a quiet ache that forms when the people you once depended on choose to walk away. It teaches you to grip tightly to those who remain, not always out of love, but out of fear. Fear that they, too, might leave. Over time, that fear can begin to shape how we show up in relationships. We start questioning our worth, overthinking every word and gesture, and convincing ourselves that love must be earned or held onto by force.
But the truth is, fear distorts love. It makes us chase validation and overlook the peace that comes with trust. If you’ve ever found yourself feeling anxious, doubtful, or constantly needing reassurance in your relationship, you’re not alone. These feelings often have deeper roots, ones that deserve to be understood, not ignored.
So, why do we become insecure in relationships? And how can we begin to unlearn the fear that drives it? Let’s explore that.
Signs of insecurity in a relationship
Insecurity in relationships often reveals itself through subtle emotional patterns and anxious thought loops. The signs below are drawn from deeper insights into attachment anxiety and the behaviours it can trigger in romantic connections.
1. Constant Need for Reassurance
You frequently worry whether your partner really loves you, will stop loving you, or might leave you. Even small signs of distance make you feel anxious and desperate to reconnect.
2. Fear of Being Abandoned
You're preoccupied with the idea that your partner might reject you, especially if they get to know "the real you." This fear leads you to act out in ways meant to pull them closer.
3. Over-analyzing Communication
You read deeply into things like delayed texts or brief conversations, often assuming the worst, that your partner is losing interest or avoiding you.
4. Possessiveness and Jealousy
You become jealous easily and may try to keep your partner close through physical affection, frequent communication, or even manipulation (like pretending someone else is interested in you).
5. Self-Criticism and Low Self-Worth
You feel that you're not good enough for your partner or that you have to constantly perform to be loved. This makes you dependent on their validation for your sense of worth.
6. Difficulty Enjoying Emotional or Physical Intimacy
You may crave closeness, but still feel uneasy when it’s offered. There’s often a push-pull dynamic, wanting intimacy but fearing the vulnerability it brings.
7. Fear of Conflict or Disagreement
You avoid expressing your needs or opinions because you’re scared it will upset your partner or cause them to leave. This makes genuine communication difficult.
8. Overreaction to Minor Issues
Small misunderstandings can feel like major threats to the relationship, causing you to spiral emotionally or react in ways that push your partner away.
9. Disconnection from Personal Interests
You may give up your own hobbies or values to match your partner’s, hoping to be seen as more lovable or to keep their attention.
10. Clinging or Withdrawal as Protest Behaviour
You might call or text excessively, try to maintain constant contact, or act cold and distant to provoke a response, all as a way to get attention and feel secure.
Why do I feel insecure in my relationship
Having explored the signs of insecurity in a relationship, it's clear that insecurity can manifest in ways that go beyond occasional self-doubt. While it's normal to feel insecure at times, it becomes a deeper concern when those feelings lead to consistent patterns of behaviour like the ones outlined above.
If you find yourself asking, “Why do I always feel this way in my relationship?”, you’re not alone. Let’s now explore the underlying reasons why some people experience persistent insecurity in their romantic relationships.
1. Attachment-Related Anxiety
One of the primary causes of relationship insecurity is attachment-related anxiety, which arises when you fear rejection, abandonment, or not being loved enough. This often leads to a desperate need for reassurance and emotional closeness, making you hyper-aware of any signs of distance from your partner.
2. Negative Self-Image (Working Model of Self)
The working model of self is a term from attachment theory that refers to the internal beliefs and expectations we develop about ourselves, especially in relation to love, worthiness, and relationships. It forms early in life, usually through our interactions with caregivers, and continues to shape how we see ourselves and how we expect others to treat us.
If your early experiences taught you that love is conditional, inconsistent, or unavailable, you may grow up believing that you’re not good enough or that love must be earned. This belief becomes your working model of self and it quietly influences your thoughts, emotions, and behaviours in adult relationships.
3. Childhood Attachment Patterns
Your early experiences with caregivers significantly influence how secure or insecure you feel in adult relationships. If those caregivers were emotionally unavailable, inconsistent, or offered affection only under certain conditions, you may have internalized the belief that love is unstable or must be earned.
These early interactions form the foundation of your working model of self. In other words, how you were treated as a child directly shapes how you see yourself and what you believe you deserve in relationships. If you grew up feeling emotionally neglected or unsure of your worth, it's likely that those insecurities now surface in your romantic life, even when your partner is emotionally present and supportive.
4. High Expectations for Reassurance
One reason you may feel insecure in your relationship is because of high expectations for reassurance. These expectations often develop when your emotional needs were not consistently met in the past, whether by caregivers, past partners, or through experiences that left you doubting your worth. As a result, you may rely heavily on your partner to constantly affirm your value, soothe your anxieties, and make you feel emotionally safe.
This overdependence can create a cycle where the more you seek reassurance, the more fragile your sense of security becomes, especially when your partner can’t meet those needs in the way you hope. The gap between your internal fears and external validation reinforces the insecurity, making you feel even more uncertain in the relationship.
How can I stop being insecure in my relationship?
1. Develop Compassionate Self-Awareness
The most foundational step to healing insecurity is cultivating what Becker-Phelps calls “compassionate self-awareness”. This means:
Being aware of your emotions and reactions,
Recognizing where they come from (often past wounds or attachment fears),
Responding to yourself with empathy and understanding.
Instead of judging yourself for feeling needy or anxious, you learn to accept those emotions without shame, which leads to healthier responses.
2. Understand Your Attachment Style
Many insecurities are rooted in your attachment style. Understanding whether you're anxious, avoidant, or a mix helps you make sense of your emotional responses and identify patterns that harm your relationships. Awareness of these patterns can help you "earn" secure attachment through effort and insight.
3. Challenge Negative Self-Beliefs
Insecurity thrives when you believe you’re not lovable or worthy. Identifying these beliefs and actively replacing them with self-compassionate thoughts like we mentioned earlier will go a long way to helping you heal. Example:
“It’s okay to need connection.”
“I deserve a healthy, supportive relationship.”
This shift allows you to relate to your partner from a place of confidence rather than fear.
4. Communicate Your Needs Clearly and Gently
Many insecure people either bottle up their needs or express them in anxious or blaming ways. Instead, I recommend:
Expressing your feelings without accusation (e.g., “I feel anxious when we don’t talk all day, not because I don’t trust you, but because it triggers something in me.”)
Asking for reassurance or connection directly and calmly.
5. Seek Emotionally Available Relationships
You’re more likely to feel secure if you are with someone who is consistently supportive, responsive, and respectful. The presence of a reliable partner can help rewire your attachment system over time, offering what the author calls “earned security”.
6. Engage in Reflective Exercises
Journaling prompts and reflections, such as:
Exploring past relationships or childhood dynamics,
Noticing when you're using “hyperactivating” strategies (e.g., excessive texting, clinginess),
Identifying patterns that you used to feel safe and how they impact your current relationships.
Instead of being overwhelmed by fear or jealousy, learn to regulate emotions through mindfulness, calming exercises, or simply pausing before reacting. This increases your confidence in handling relationship stress without panicking or acting out.
7. Balance Closeness and Autonomy
Insecure partners often struggle between wanting to be close and fearing rejection. One solution is to build a life filled with personal meaning (hobbies, friendships, goals) so your sense of self doesn’t depend entirely on your partner.
