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Yaw Amoateng

How To Fix An Anxious Attachment Style In Relationships

Updated: May 12, 2023


 

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What are attachment styles in relationships?


According to attachment theory, "a person's early attachment behaviors can significantly affect their later relationships and emotional health". Everybody's attachment styles are shaped by their encounters with their primary caregivers. According to the quality of the child's connections with their carers, attachment styles are thought to form early in life. A newborn baby is entirely reliant on its caregiver for both their physical and emotional requirements. These attachments lay the foundation for attachment styles later in life.



What are attachment styles in relationships


The patterns of behavior and emotions people display in close relationships, particularly in romantic relationships, are termed their attachment styles. These styles can impact how we connect, communicate, and trust our partners in relationships. Humans desire and have the need to interact with one another, and we occasionally rely on others. Communication with partners and other people may be difficult for those who have not identified their attachment styles which is why it is necessary to know your attachment style. Some people struggle to sustain healthy, long-lasting relationship because they develop unhealthy attachment habits. But they can work to break these patterns and create healthier relationships if they are conscious of them and put in the necessary effort.



How early attachment styles influence adult relationships


The way people approach relations with others throughout their lives, including romantic relationships as adults, is thought to be influenced by their attachment types as children. These early stressors may affect the brain regions that process and control emotional development, which could either have a negative or positive impact on lifelong patterns of emotional adjustment like anxiety and relationship dynamics like abandonment, distrust, weak intimacy or trust, etc. These stressors give the brain access to various beneficial experiences that are crucial during the first few years of life. The adage "kids are like sponges" is very true as many of the events you have when you are young provide the groundwork for the adult you will become.


According to research, people with a secure attachment style are more likely to have healthy, reliable relationships because they had a strong mother-child link during infancy, which is associated with a number of positive outcomes for the infant's neurological development. Conversely, people with insecure attachment patterns may have difficulty being close and intimate in their adult relationships because they were exposed to neglect, abuse, unsafe situations, and hostile environments as children. While experiences from early childhood are very important in the development of attachment styles, relationships and experiences from later in life can also affect and shape attachment styles.



What are the different types of attachment styles in relationships?


Different types of attachment styles in relationships

Securely attached

Secure people feel at ease confiding in their spouses when something is wrong and give their partners space. Because they are confident that both their partners' and their own needs will be met, they view relationships as spaces where it is possible to self-regulate. They frequently enjoy sincere, open relationships in which both partners develop in a healthy way. Although they do experience bad days in their relationships, they are able to effectively communicate their emotions and solve problems rather than argue with one another.


They have great resilience. They have had an emotional safety net since they were very young, leading them to believe that the world is a secure place. Things may still go wrong, but they are able to recover from them at a typical speed when they do. Even when their spouses cannot meet their needs, they attempt to resolve issues on their own. Secure people understand that their needs and wants are serious and must be treated as such, but they also understand that their partner's needs and wants are serious and must be treated in the same manner.


Anxious preoccupied attachment style

They frequently romanticize love and are the most invested in relationships. They are frequently drawn to partners or people who can save them. People who are anxiously attached are often referred to as anxiously preoccupied because they spend so much time worrying about their romantic relationships. They are prone to overanalyzing events and can be demanding, obsessive, and clingy. This generally happens because they did not learn early on in life that everything will be well; instead, they discovered that they lacked the fortitude to deal with their problems on their own and require assistance from others in order to get through them. Because of their upbringing, anxiously attached individuals may struggle with insecurity, low self-esteem, and developing a strong sense of self.



Anxiously preoccupied attachment style


Someone who has an anxious attachment style experiences a desperate need for affection. The anxiously attached person lacks the ability to properly control their emotions, in contrast to the secure person. They hold themselves in very low regard. They strive to become the sort of person a self-sufficient person would adore. Anxiously attached individuals usually desire regular, nearly constant communication. When their partner tries to distance themselves, they have a tendency to doubt their partner's love for them, causing stress in the relationship. Even if their partner retreated for good reasons.


They think that they love too much but in reality, they are not listening to their partner's needs, which are boundaries and space. Instead, they force affection upon them and end up giving them an excessive amount of attention. An anxiously attached individual needs to understand that it is common for their partners to lead independent lives in a relationship. They need to be aware that they are not communicating effectively or using the proper techniques because they are attempting to win someone's love rather than giving something simply because they want to. 


Dismissive-avoidant attachment style


Dismissive-avoidant attachment style

In a relationship, these people frequently exhibit emotional distance. They appear to be self-sufficient, independent, and capable of avoiding actual intimacy. They have a positive picture of themselves and a negative one of others. To protect themselves from being exposed, they push back more frequently. They believe that they are okay behind the walls of their own boundaries. Just like the anxious attached, they did not receive much love as the secure person did. Although everyone needs love, dismissive avoidants prefer to receive it in very small doses.


They do experience emotional difficulties and heartbreaks in relationships, but instead of handling them as a secure person would, they focus on work and ignore their feelings. When they take too much love they withdraw or space out to manage the effects. Since they learned at a very young age that intimacy meant their boundaries were about to be violated and they would have to give more than they had, intimacy triggers them. What they mostly do when dating is, measure the person they are dating and try to figure out where they fit into their life.


Unconsciously, they test the person to see how they handle situations, and then they set boundaries to see if the person respects them. They approach relationships with a more logical mindset. It is more about how the person fits than it is about how they feel about the person. They are prone to harsh criticism of others. They have a fair sense of respect, but they frequently jump to the conclusion that other people don't have legitimate needs and that they will take advantage of them. The avoidant individual has to understand that needs can be discussed and addressed together as a couple. They need to learn that it is acceptable to communicate their needs to their partners as well as to receive those of their partners. This creates a healthy interdependence where they may acknowledge that some of their needs are relationship-related problems that need to be resolved jointly.


Fearful-avoidant attachment style

They experience a mixture of fear of being too close or too distant from their partner. They feel unlovable and believe that others feel the same way about them. They fear abandonment but struggle to be confident in their partner to rely on them. There is no safe place for the fearful-avoidant. They struggle internally a lot between desiring intimacy and restraining it. Because of this, relationships tend to be unhealthy for them. Their relationships typically have a lot of highs and lows.


Despite not feeling any better when they experience love, they seek it out in every relationship. They accept all of the affection, care, and love, but when it is given to them it makes them feel sick. They frequently pass judgment on their partner, but they feel unable to abandon the relationship. They feel trapped in a relationship they despise since they are getting the affection they are supposed to, despite their demands for it. They blame their partner and believe that they are the cause of their unhappiness when in reality, their partners are just attempting to meet their needs.


Because they believe they don't deserve relationships that give them love, they frequently end up in unhealthy relationships. People with this type of attachment style will remain that way for most of their lives unless they discover the reasons for their extreme need and dislikes for love. They should develop self-worth, increase their capacity for handling pain, and learn to handle the major setbacks of life on their own. They should gain interdependence skills and should demand that others respect and acknowledge their needs.



Can attachment style be both anxious and avoidant in relationships?


Yes, the answer is yes. A combination of anxious and avoidant is what we call disorganized attachment or fearful-avoidant. The fearful-avoidant is a hybrid of the anxious preoccupied and the dismissive-avoidant. The fearful-avoidant will often begin in the anxious style until something triggers them. When they are provoked, they prefer to adopt an avoidant posture. The fearful-avoidant, as opposed to the dismissive-avoidant, detaches until they can self-soothe and emotionally stabilize.



Can your attachment style be both anxious and dismissive?


Trauma causes disorganized attachment. When the person you need to feel safe and comfortable with is also the one you fear or cannot trust. This causes anxiety. When we have been traumatized by individuals who were supposed to support our anxious attachment needs, we become scared of vulnerability and distrustful of others' intentions. When it comes to relationships, people with this attachment frequently have conflicting emotions and desires. They seek intimacy yet are afraid of being wounded or rejected. This pulling in and then pushing away from relationships may be highly unpleasant. It becomes difficult to trust and form deep connections, and communication becomes tough. This can have serious consequences on your mental health and well-being.



How to Fix an anxious attachment style in Relationships


When you are anxiously attached, rather than fostering the relationships you desire, you will create untrue scenarios through which the relationship can exist and you tend to have a codependent relationship with your partner. Unless you work on it and get rid of it, it will damage every relationship you have.


First, you must understand what it means to be anxiously attached and securely attached, then act accordingly. If you are aware that you have an anxious attachment style, you can begin to work on changing it. When you are anxiously attached, you feel the urge to text or phone all the time, and when you don't, you experience worry. Because you're always afraid they'll leave you if you don't. You feel like something is wrong and you need that fixed. You must learn to create a new version of yourself.


In order to do this, you must learn to let go of your negative thoughts and beliefs about yourself, others, and your relationships. You must confront these beliefs and learn to reframe them in a more positive and realistic manner.


You must also learn to control your emotions. Activities that make you feel good, such as exercising or spending time with loved ones, can improve your mood and make you feel more confident in yourself. You can listen to music, meditate, and so on. This can assist you in developing a more present-centered awareness and decreasing worry thereby controlling your emotions. You must first learn to trust yourself before you can trust any companion who enters your life.


Above all, do not rush into relationships. If you wind up with an avoidant spouse, it will just intensify your nervous attachment style. As a result, it is critical to

  1. Boost your self-esteem.

  2. Learn about yourself and your triggers.

  3. Stay away from negative self-talk.

  4. Concentrate on activities that you can control.

  5. Establish appropriate boundaries for yourself.

  6. And consider consulting with a specialist.

Change is a slow and steady process that requires patience, dedication, and time. You can improve your relationships and overall well-being by taking little measures to overcome your anxious attachment style.



















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