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Separation anxiety isn't just a childhood issue; it can also affect adults, often surfacing in the context of relationships. While some adults develop separation anxiety later in life without any childhood history, others carry it from childhood experiences that continue to influence their adult lives. Many anxiety disorders can be linked to early experiences, and separation anxiety is no different. Understanding this anxiety's roots and how it manifests in relationships is crucial for managing its impact on both individuals and their partners.
What is separation anxiety in a relationship?
Separation anxiety in relationships is marked by an intense, often overwhelming fear or worry about being apart from a partner or significant attachment figure. In adults, this anxiety typically needs to persist for at least six months to meet the diagnostic criteria. It involves experiencing extreme distress when anticipating or undergoing separation, along with constant worry about the potential loss of the partner.
Individuals with separation anxiety often feel a sense of panic that leads to intense stress and worry. Their anxiety is mainly centered around their partner's well-being and the fear of losing them. It's not just the physical separation that causes distress, but the thought of being without their partner entirely, which can heavily impact their emotional and mental state.
What causes separation anxiety in a relationship?
Separation anxiety in relationships often stems from deeper issues related to attachment and the fear of abandonment as established earlier. The formation of attachment bonds is driven by the natural human need for security and safety. When these bonds are threatened or when attachment figures, like partners or caregivers, are inconsistent in their availability, insecure attachment patterns can develop. This insecurity creates a breeding ground for separation anxiety even in relationships.
One key factor is how an individual was attached to their caregivers during childhood. For example, people who experienced ambivalent attachment, where caregivers were unpredictable in meeting their emotional needs, may grow up feeling constantly anxious about being alone or abandoned. This anxiety carries over into adult relationships, as these individuals may fear that their partner will not be there when they need them most or that they won't be able to live alone. Consequently, they may become overly dependent or display excessive distress when separated from their partner, driven by the lingering fear that they might be left alone or unloved.
In this way, separation anxiety in relationships is often rooted in early attachment experiences, shaping how individuals view themselves and their partners. The inconsistency in receiving care creates a lasting impact, causing them to doubt the stability of their current relationships, even when there is no immediate threat. This results in heightened anxiety and persistent worry about losing their attachment figure, fuelling a cycle of distress and fear within the relationship.
Also
Separation anxiety can indeed stem from being closely bonded with a caregiver who provided a strong sense of safety and support. When a child grows up feeling deeply connected to an attachment figure who consistently met their needs, they may develop a strong dependency on that secure relationship. This deep bond can create a strong comfort zone, and the thought of being without that security can lead to anxiety.
As they grow older and enter romantic relationships, they might carry this need for close, consistent attachment with them. The fear of separation arises because they’ve become accustomed to the comfort and stability provided by their caregiver. In adult relationships, this can manifest as anxiety about losing their partner, fearing they won't have that same level of security and support. Essentially, the high level of care they received in childhood becomes the standard they fear losing in their adult relationships.
A study by Mikulincer and Shaver (2007) in the Handbook of Attachment supports this by pointing out that secure attachment in childhood doesn’t eliminate the potential for anxiety in adult relationships. It suggests that while secure attachments provide a solid foundation, they also create high expectations for relational security. When these expectations are not met, or when individuals face significant stressors, separation anxiety can still occur due to the contrast between the secure attachment they expect and the perceived instability.
How does separation anxiety affect a relationship?
Separation anxiety can put a lot of pressure on relationships, often leading to feelings of insecurity, dependence, and arguments. When one partner constantly fears being apart or worries too much about whether the relationship will last, it can create an imbalance. This anxiety might show up as clinginess, a constant need for reassurance, or even attempts to control the other partner's actions to avoid being separated.
Over time, these behaviours can become too much for the other partner, making them feel smothered and frustrated. The anxious partner also suffers, feeling emotionally drained as they are always worried about losing their loved one. As a result, the relationship may become tense and filled with misunderstandings. The lack of healthy boundaries can harm intimacy and trust, eventually putting the long-term future of the relationship at risk.
Signs of separation anxiety
Fear of Abandonment:Â A persistent worry that their partner may leave them or that the relationship will end, even without any real signs of a threat.
Insecurity: Doubting the stability of the relationship, often due to a lack of confidence in their partner’s commitment or their own self-worth.
Overdependence:Â Becoming excessively reliant on their partner for emotional support and reassurance, leading to clingy behaviour.
Distress During Separation:Â Intense emotional distress or panic when separated from the partner, even if it's for short periods.
Need for Constant Reassurance:Â Frequently seeking affirmation from their partner to alleviate anxiety about the relationship.
Controlling Behaviour:Â Attempting to control the partner's actions or limit their independence to prevent separation and alleviate anxiety.
Lingering Fear of Being Alone:Â A deep-rooted fear of being left alone or unloved, stemming from earlier attachment issues.
Difficulty Trusting:Â Challenges in fully trusting their partner's intentions, often leading to misunderstandings or conflicts.
Is it normal to have a bit of separation anxiety in a new relationship?
We should be cautious about labelling certain feelings as "normal" in relationships, especially when it comes to separation anxiety. However, there is evidence suggesting that a mild level of separation-related anxiety can be a natural and even healthy part of close relationships.
Here’s why:
According to attachment theory, formulated by John Bowlby, humans are biologically wired to form attachments for safety and comfort. This theory states that a moderate amount of anxiety when separated from an attachment figure (such as a partner) is expected, as it signals the importance of that bond. In fact, research by Hazan and Shaver in 1987 shows that adult romantic relationships often mirror attachment behaviours seen in children, where brief anxiety during separation can indicate a strong, secure bond.
A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, also indicates that feeling some anxiety when separated from a loved one is typical in securely attached relationships. This minor anxiety reflects the emotional investment in the relationship and the natural response to being away from a source of comfort.
In contrast, separation anxiety becomes problematic when it escalates to excessive worry, fear, or controlling behaviours that interfere with the relationship's health. So, while it's not "normal" for anxiety to take over a relationship, feeling a bit of unease when apart can indeed be a sign of a strong emotional connection.
How do I deal with relationship separation anxiety?
To deal with separation anxiety in a relationship, it’s important to shift the focus from trying to control emotions to building inner strength and self-contentment. Instead of masking the anxiety or attempting to suppress it, work on fostering a sense of self-worth and happiness within yourself.
Much of separation anxiety stems from a fear of loss, which is often linked to feeling incomplete on our own. To combat this, it’s crucial to develop a sense of inner peace and self-acceptance. Building a life where you find fulfilment independently of the relationship, through hobbies, friendships, and self-care practices. The more confident and content you are with being on your own, the less intense your fear of separation will become. This shift in mindset helps you approach the relationship with love and openness rather than anxiety and clinginess.
Also, acknowledge that all relationships have uncertainties, and feeling some level of anxiety is normal. The key is to ensure that this anxiety doesn’t dominate the relationship. If you are constantly seeking reassurance or trying to control the outcome, it might indicate an imbalance. Instead, focus on strengthening your ability to cope with change, knowing that your happiness doesn’t depend solely on the relationship. When you prioritize self-growth and inner peace, you create a healthier dynamic in your relationship and reduce the fear of separation.
Overcoming separation anxiety is learning to be comfortable with independence within the relationship. Setting small boundaries that allow both you and your partner to have time apart. This time apart can feel uncomfortable at first, but it’s an essential part of learning to trust yourself and the relationship.
Understand that being apart doesn't equate to a lack of love or commitment. Research suggests that partners who have a healthy balance of time together and apart often report higher satisfaction and stability in their relationships. Work on building emotional resilience by accepting that relationships inherently come with some level of uncertainty. No relationship is free from ups and downs, and learning to embrace this reality can significantly reduce anxiety.
Let your partner know that you are working on building your inner security, and that you might occasionally need understanding as you go through this process.
Healthy communication creates a supportive environment in which both partners feel safe and respected. This step is about moving from demanding reassurance to seeking mutual understanding. When you share your journey with your partner, it can foster trust and reduce the strain that anxiety places on the relationship.
Remember you can never go through this alone.
Research Paper Reviews
Being Lonely, Falling in Love - ProQuest
Handbook of Emotion Regulation, First Edition - Google Books
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